Following their latest devastating playoffs loss, the Salem Cowtippers organization announced a special event at Sam Adams Stadium on Sunday, November 20th. Not only was admission to this event free of charge, but the organization announced that it would be an "open bar" for the entirety of the event.
Needless to say, speculation about this mysterious event reached a fever pitch, with the ballclub remaining tight-lipped while the fandom ran wild with rumors and hearsay. Was this event scheduled as a thank-you to the fans of Salem for supporting this team despite their repeated history of failure in the postseason? Was this some sort of delayed celebration for the team's ultimately-meaningless eleventh division championship? An early Christmas celebration? An apology for putting these fans through yet another disappointing ending to an otherwise successful season? Or was something far more sinister afoot?
It was first-come, first-seat, for the standing-room-only crowd that gathered. An elaborate stage was erected on top of the infield, and energetic music blared from the sound system. The festivities began right on schedule, before a jam-packed house of shivering fans who braved the freezing pre-Thanksgiving temperatures for the promise of free beer. A door in center field opened, and a golf cart driven by team owner Mike Glander appeared. Riding shotgun was none other than Big Daddy himself, Glander's long-time bench coach and sidekick, Rick Reuschel. The stadium erupted with applause as the two men made their way to center stage.
"Thank you all for coming!" Glander shouted into the microphone. "We have a lot to cover today, but first and foremost, I want to thank you, the greatest fans in the BDBL, for your support and dedication to this franchise in goods times and bad. Thank you, Salem, New Hampshire!"
Glander allowed the deafening applause to subside before he announced. "And now, let's all give a warm welcome to Salem's own Godsmack!"
The stage instantly transformed, with the members of the band Godsmack appearing from below the stage. They instantly launched into a rocking rendition of "Awake" as the Salem fans shook the stadium to its foundation. The free Sam Adams beer continued to generously flow as the band played several more of their greatest hits before disappearing back beneath the stage.
A video montage began on the center field Jumbotron, showing all of the team's greatest moments in franchise history: Greg Maddux's 26th win in 1999, Sammy Sosa's 60th home run in 2002, David Weathers recording the final out of the 2002 OLCS in Game Seven against Los Altos, Mike Magnante's walk-off grand slam home run in the 2002 World Series, Melky Cabrera scoring the winning run on a wild pitch in the 11th inning of the 2013 OLDS, and, of course, Kike Hernandez's dramatic, extra-innings, series-clinching, walk-off grand slam in the 2019 World Series.
When the montage ended, the center field door opened once again as dramatic music played over the sound system. One blue-and-orange-colored golf cart after another emerged from beyond the fence, each carrying Salem Cowtippers legends. As each former player was shown on the Jumbotron, the fans responded with thunderous applause: Maddux (the original Cowtipper), Mike Mussina, Lance Berkman, Magnante, Mark Teixeira, John Olerud, Erik Bedard, Derek Jeter, Curt Schilling, Sammy Sosa, Derek Lowe, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Zito...and last, but certainly not least, Hernandez himself. The legends filed into the ballpark, parked their golf carts along the warning track, and joined the crowd on stage.
Glander once again took his place before the microphone. "These players, these Salem Cowtippers legends, have created so many wonderful memories for me, and I'm sure for you as well. Those memories are with us all forever, no matter what. Nothing could ever erase them. They will live in our minds and hearts for as long as we do."
A cresting wave of murmurs began to grow among the crowd as the fans applauded apprehensively.
"You may be wondering why we held this event today," Glander said, as the stadium fell silent. "This is our way of thanking you, the fans, for all of those memories that you helped to create. I truly hope that you have enjoyed yourselves today. I know you enjoyed the free beer!"
The fans erupted in applause.
Glander glanced toward the security team that had silently formed around the stage. Several empty buses had surreptitiously flanked the stage area without anyone noticing. Glander nervously made eye contact with the former players surrounding him.
"So..." he said, "that's pretty much it. That's all I wanted to say. Thanks again for coming out. I hope you all had a great time. Enjoy the rest of your night, and please drive carefully."
The murmuring among the crowd reached a crescendo as the fans exchanged expressions of complete and utter confusion. Soft music began to play. Some of the nerdier fans among the crowd recognized the tune immediately: "The Rains of Castamere."
Glander hurriedly ushered the players onto the awaiting buses and waited for them to depart before turning back to the microphone. A black limo sat idling nearby, its passenger door open. Glander looked around nervously and then leaned into the microphone.
"Oh," he said, "by the way, we're moving the team to Florida. So long, Salem! It's been great!"
He sprinted toward the waiting limo and dove inside, head-first. The limo sped toward the center field door, leaving skid marks on the infield grass, before Glander's last words finished echoing throughout the ballpark. The stunned crowd stood with their jaws agape for a moment before chaos erupted. A group of fans leaped over the fence and onto the field. They were soon joined by thousands more. Fans tore apart the infield grass and dirt, collecting whatever they could as souvenirs. Some fans attempted to pry off the advertisements and banners from the outfield walls. One group of fans attempted to topple the statue of Kike Hernandez in center field.
Meanwhile, in the back seat of his limo, Glander addressed a handful of reporters, fielding their questions while pouring himself a series of whiskeys with shaking hands. "It was time," he said, somberly. "It was time to move on from Salem. The commute from Ocala to Salem for every home game was simply too exhausting. I did it for two and a half seasons, but enough is enough."
He took a big sip from his glass and watched as Sam Adams Stadium became smaller and smaller. "But also, it's time for a shake-up. Twenty-three seasons of failure in Salem, and one fluky win that required the most insane series of events imaginable in order for it to happen."
"What about the fans?" asked one reporter.
"They'll be fine," Glander said. "They still have the Patriots. And Celtics. And Bruins. And even the Red Sox. How many champions do they really need in one region?"
"What's the name of the new franchise?" one reporter asked.
"The Mulligans," said Glander. "The Florida Mulligans."
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