Welcome to Florida!

The boxes have been unpacked. The uniforms have been ordered. The websites have been updated. The long-awaited franchise name change from the Salem Cowtippers to the Florida Mulligans is now official.

With that, allow me to give you a tour of our brand-new facility, located in sunny (and often rainy) Central Florida. We brainstormed to come up with the most intimidating name possible; something that will strike fear directly into the hearts of every opponent who dares to enter our home. We could think of nothing more appropriate than "The Sand Trap."

Like its predecessor in Salem, The Sand Trap features an invisible retractable dome. Salem's Sam Adams Stadium pioneered this engineering marvel way back in 1999, leverging the same techology used to create Wonder Woman's invisible jet plane. We hired the same team of engineers to work for us in Florida. As a result, you will see no visual evidence whatsoever that this stadium is, in fact, covered by a retractable roof.

The dimensions of The Sand Trap are exactly the same as Sam Adam Stadium. In fact, weirdly enough, so are the ballpark factors for both left- and right-handed hitters! This is the result of our tireless work with engineers and mathematicians from NASA, who ensured that there would be no significant change in factors between the two ballparks.

Visually, you can see that our ballpark sits adjacent to the 18th hole of our brand-new world class golf course, designed by Tiger Woods himself. Each hole on this course is guaranteed to result in at least one lost golf ball for the average golfer. Fortunately, the course rules allow for one mulligan per hole.

We managed to salvage two souvenirs from Sam Adams Stadium before rampaging Cowtippers fans tore the place apart:

On the left, we have our championship banner from 2019. Sadly, someone from the moving team thought it would be a good idea to wash it after transporting it. The genius then tossed it in the dryer, so you can see it is much smaller now. In the middle is the statue of Kike Hernandez that had once graced center field in the old stadium. To the right are the two retired numbers from the Cowtippers franchise: Lance Berkman's #17 and Greg Newgard's #12. Now that Newgard has un-retired, and has once again become our sworn enemy, we should probably toss that number in the bonfire. We'll leave it up for now.

Our center field Jumbotron features our newest Florida Mulligans phenom, and the man we hope will become the face of this reborn franchise over the next decade, Adley Rutschman:

Of course, if past history is any indication of future performance, we've just jinxed Adley forever.

Throughout the ballpark, I have added tributes to each of my three sons. To the left of Adley is a tribute to my youngest son, Jack:

To call Jack a Chuck-E-Cheese enthusiast would be the understatement of all understatements. His love for all things animatronic has led him to a burgeoning career in the industry. His collection, which he calls "Creative Enjuneeering", has taken over his bedroom, our garage, and is on the verge of taking over our entire house.

My middle son, Jeremy, loves purple Doritos almost as much as Jack loves animatronics. The purple Doritos bag in right field is his tribute. That sits on top of three advertisements: one for the place where I hope to retire someday, one for my favorite local restaurant (within walking distance!), and one for the box of balls that I order almost every week for some reason.

Just to the right of those ads is a tribute to my cat, Stewart. I never thought I would ever -- ever -- own a cat, but the little bastard walked right into my life and now he's here to stay.

My oldest son, Ryan, once owned a franchise in the BDBL called the Granite State Lightning (now the Darien Blue Wave.) Ryan's ballpark was named "Yoda Yard." It featured a statue of Dagobah's most famous resident, which we salvaged from the junk yard in Salem, New Hampshire, and installed beyond our right field bleachers.

To Yoda's left is another longtime Salem treasure, Carl's Bar-B-Q. The "Eat at Carl's" sign at Sam Adams Stadium was an ubiquitous fixture in Salem for over twenty years. Carl is gone, but his legacy remains with us forever. In keeping with tradition, passed down by former BDBL legend Phil Geisel, if you ask for one hotdog at Carl's, you get two. If you don't want any, they'll give you one anyway. (And if you really, really, don't want one, just ask for "negative one.")

Of course, our new ballpark also features our eleven (and counting) division banners, plus our six blue Ozzie League championship banners. Hopefully, this change of location/name brings with it a change of luck, and we can add a few more of those blue banners -- and maybe even another big white one.

The Florida Mulligans are officially open for business. Bring on 2023!

Salem Cowtippers Host Mysterious Event

Following their latest devastating playoffs loss, the Salem Cowtippers organization announced a special event at Sam Adams Stadium on Sunday, November 20th. Not only was admission to this event free of charge, but the organization announced that it would be an "open bar" for the entirety of the event.

Needless to say, speculation about this mysterious event reached a fever pitch, with the ballclub remaining tight-lipped while the fandom ran wild with rumors and hearsay. Was this event scheduled as a thank-you to the fans of Salem for supporting this team despite their repeated history of failure in the postseason? Was this some sort of delayed celebration for the team's ultimately-meaningless eleventh division championship? An early Christmas celebration? An apology for putting these fans through yet another disappointing ending to an otherwise successful season? Or was something far more sinister afoot?

It was first-come, first-seat, for the standing-room-only crowd that gathered. An elaborate stage was erected on top of the infield, and energetic music blared from the sound system. The festivities began right on schedule, before a jam-packed house of shivering fans who braved the freezing pre-Thanksgiving temperatures for the promise of free beer. A door in center field opened, and a golf cart driven by team owner Mike Glander appeared. Riding shotgun was none other than Big Daddy himself, Glander's long-time bench coach and sidekick, Rick Reuschel. The stadium erupted with applause as the two men made their way to center stage.

"Thank you all for coming!" Glander shouted into the microphone. "We have a lot to cover today, but first and foremost, I want to thank you, the greatest fans in the BDBL, for your support and dedication to this franchise in goods times and bad. Thank you, Salem, New Hampshire!"

Glander allowed the deafening applause to subside before he announced. "And now, let's all give a warm welcome to Salem's own Godsmack!"

The stage instantly transformed, with the members of the band Godsmack appearing from below the stage. They instantly launched into a rocking rendition of "Awake" as the Salem fans shook the stadium to its foundation. The free Sam Adams beer continued to generously flow as the band played several more of their greatest hits before disappearing back beneath the stage.

A video montage began on the center field Jumbotron, showing all of the team's greatest moments in franchise history: Greg Maddux's 26th win in 1999, Sammy Sosa's 60th home run in 2002, David Weathers recording the final out of the 2002 OLCS in Game Seven against Los Altos, Mike Magnante's walk-off grand slam home run in the 2002 World Series, Melky Cabrera scoring the winning run on a wild pitch in the 11th inning of the 2013 OLDS, and, of course, Kike Hernandez's dramatic, extra-innings, series-clinching, walk-off grand slam in the 2019 World Series.

When the montage ended, the center field door opened once again as dramatic music played over the sound system. One blue-and-orange-colored golf cart after another emerged from beyond the fence, each carrying Salem Cowtippers legends. As each former player was shown on the Jumbotron, the fans responded with thunderous applause: Maddux (the original Cowtipper), Mike Mussina, Lance Berkman, Magnante, Mark Teixeira, John Olerud, Erik Bedard, Derek Jeter, Curt Schilling, Sammy Sosa, Derek Lowe, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Zito...and last, but certainly not least, Hernandez himself. The legends filed into the ballpark, parked their golf carts along the warning track, and joined the crowd on stage.

Glander once again took his place before the microphone. "These players, these Salem Cowtippers legends, have created so many wonderful memories for me, and I'm sure for you as well. Those memories are with us all forever, no matter what. Nothing could ever erase them. They will live in our minds and hearts for as long as we do."

A cresting wave of murmurs began to grow among the crowd as the fans applauded apprehensively.

"You may be wondering why we held this event today," Glander said, as the stadium fell silent. "This is our way of thanking you, the fans, for all of those memories that you helped to create. I truly hope that you have enjoyed yourselves today. I know you enjoyed the free beer!"

The fans erupted in applause.

Glander glanced toward the security team that had silently formed around the stage. Several empty buses had surreptitiously flanked the stage area without anyone noticing. Glander nervously made eye contact with the former players surrounding him.

"So..." he said, "that's pretty much it. That's all I wanted to say. Thanks again for coming out. I hope you all had a great time. Enjoy the rest of your night, and please drive carefully."

The murmuring among the crowd reached a crescendo as the fans exchanged expressions of complete and utter confusion. Soft music began to play. Some of the nerdier fans among the crowd recognized the tune immediately: "The Rains of Castamere."

Glander hurriedly ushered the players onto the awaiting buses and waited for them to depart before turning back to the microphone. A black limo sat idling nearby, its passenger door open. Glander looked around nervously and then leaned into the microphone.

"Oh," he said, "by the way, we're moving the team to Florida. So long, Salem! It's been great!"

He sprinted toward the waiting limo and dove inside, head-first. The limo sped toward the center field door, leaving skid marks on the infield grass, before Glander's last words finished echoing throughout the ballpark. The stunned crowd stood with their jaws agape for a moment before chaos erupted. A group of fans leaped over the fence and onto the field. They were soon joined by thousands more. Fans tore apart the infield grass and dirt, collecting whatever they could as souvenirs. Some fans attempted to pry off the advertisements and banners from the outfield walls. One group of fans attempted to topple the statue of Kike Hernandez in center field.

Meanwhile, in the back seat of his limo, Glander addressed a handful of reporters, fielding their questions while pouring himself a series of whiskeys with shaking hands. "It was time," he said, somberly. "It was time to move on from Salem. The commute from Ocala to Salem for every home game was simply too exhausting. I did it for two and a half seasons, but enough is enough."

He took a big sip from his glass and watched as Sam Adams Stadium became smaller and smaller. "But also, it's time for a shake-up. Twenty-three seasons of failure in Salem, and one fluky win that required the most insane series of events imaginable in order for it to happen."

"What about the fans?" asked one reporter.

"They'll be fine," Glander said. "They still have the Patriots. And Celtics. And Bruins. And even the Red Sox. How many champions do they really need in one region?"

"What's the name of the new franchise?" one reporter asked.

"The Mulligans," said Glander. "The Florida Mulligans."

Playoffs Diary #5: Postmortem

Welp. It's over. It seems like a colossal shame. Such a wasted opportunity. The ability to create a team such as the '22 Tippers, with two 50-homer bats, the best offense in the league, several capable starters, and what should have been the league's best bullpen, does not happen often. It was the "perfect storm." And we wasted it.

It is hardly the first time we wasted such a rare opportunity. In fact, in our franchise's history, it has happened more often than it hasn't. Still, it feels like a punch in the gut.

Why did we lose? Well, I have a few thoughts.

#1 Our Offense Took the Series Off

The Salem Cowtippers scored nearly 1,000 runs in 2022. We led the entire BDBL in runs scored, and finished among the top three in OBP, slugging, home runs, walks, OPS, and RC27. In other words, this was a great offense.

That great offense simply failed to show up in the OLCS. We posted a .637 OPS in those seven games. Our batting line of .212/.291/.346 is barely better than Mario Mendoza's career batting line of .215/.245/.262.

Rafael Devers (.120/.154/.240) went 3-for-25 with 13 strikeouts. Lorenzo Cain (.200/.200/.200) went 4-for-20. Our leadoff hitter, Brandon Crawford (.130/.200/.130) went 3-for-23 with just two walks. Those three players performed well enough during the regular season that they merit a spot on the MVP ballot. All three were completely useless during the OLCS.

There were several other head-scratching performances, including Lane Thomas, who went 1-for-5 against left-handed pitchers in this series. Folks, Lane Thomas hit .381/.500/.603 against lefties in MLB! His OLCS performance makes zero sense.

Likewise, Chad Pinder (0-for-6) and Andy Ibanez (1-for-4) were completely useless against lefties following an entire 160-game season in which they killed lefties.

Only three players on our roster posted an OPS above .800 in the OLCS: Ramon Laureano (2.625 in only 8 PA's), Mark Canha (1.017), and Brandon Belt (.892). Laureano looked like he would be the series MVP early on, as he hit three pinch hit home runs that put us ahead.

Akron's pitching is very, very, good. Don't get me wrong. But this offensive collapse is completely inexplicable. "Good pitching beats good hitting," I know, but if that were always true, then Akron wouldn't have lost a single game in 2022.

#2 Our Bullpen Failed Miserably

Along with the best offense in the league, we were supposed to also have the best bullpen in the BDBL this season. We were the only team in the league to carry six pitchers with 40+ innings and a sub-600 OPS in our bullpen. We later added a seventh with the addition of Aaron Bummer.

We enjoyed an embarrassing wealth of elite bullpen arms and yet our bullpen proved to be our downfall in the OLCS. Luis A. Garcia has been a guaranteed lock all season against right-handed batters. He allowed a batting line of .152/.190/.177 against righties in MLB, and a line of .180/.242/.234 during the regular season. In the OLCS, we had no choice but to use him only twice against left-handed batters. Both batters got a hit -- one of them a triple. In all, Garcia allowed six batters to reach base in four innings and five of them scored.

Dominic Leone posted a miniscule 1.51 ERA in MLB '21, with a sub-.600 OPS allowed against both lefties and righties. In the OLCS, he coughed up three hits and two walks in just 2.2 innings, with an ERA of 6.75.

Jake McGee (8.10 ERA in 3.1 IP), Joe Kelly (4.91 ERA in 3.2 IP), and Ryan Tepera (4.50 ERA in 4 IP) all completely imploded during the OLCS after a season of consistent excellence. David Bednar, arguably our best reliever during the regular season, allowed more hits than innings, and walked four batters in only five innings.

The best offense in the BDBL completely collapsed in the OLCS, and the best bullpen in the BDBL also collapsed during the same series. What an incredible coincidence!

#3 We Lost Two Winnable Games

You can't blow a six-run lead in any playoff game and expect to win the series. Each and every game is absolutely crucial. What truly annoys the piss out of me about Game Two is that we didn't blow that lead because I took it for granted, or because I got caught off-guard, or because I used my "B" team to hold that lead.

No, I kept Lance Lynn on the mound because: a) he was throwing a no-hitter to that point in the sixth inning, and b) he had thrown fewer than 80 pitches. There was no reason whatsoever to believe that he would completely collapse -- and do it so quickly that there was no time to warm up a reliever.

After allowing not a single hit through five innings, Lynn faced seven batters in the sixth. He allowed five of them to reach base -- four on hits. After leading off the seventh by giving up a hit to the amemic-hitting Dansby Swanson, I decided to pull Lynn from the game with only 87 pitches under his belt. I thought that was the "safe" move. I was wrong.

Edmundo Sosa has "Fr" power against right-handed pitchers. There was no reason for me to believe that he would take one of the game's best right-handed pitchers, Ryan Tepera, yard. Yet, that's what happened. With that, our six-run lead completely evaporated.

Despite blowing that lead, we still had a chance to win the game. Joe Kelly -- our best and most consistent reliever all season -- simply needed to record one more out in the tenth inning. We would then have the top of our lineup come to bat in the top of the eleventh. Instead, Kelly allowed a single to Sosa, and then a single to the .189-hitting Manny Pina.

DMB can be an incredibly stupid game sometimes.

We lost another winnable game in Game Four when Joe Kelly -- yet again -- recorded two quick outs in relief, but then struggled to get the third. Victor Reyes isn't particularly awesome. He hit .229/.253/.375 against right-handers in MLB, and .286/.315/.436 in the regular season. There's no good reason why Joe Kelly should have struggled against him, and yet Reyes somehow tripled with two outs. He then scored on a clutch single by Wilmer Flores (.248/.334/.436 vs. RH in MLB.)

#4 Akron's Weakest Hitters Flourished

Akron vastly out-hit us in this series. Their .234/.328/.391 batting line doesn't look all that impressive until you compare it with ours. They managed this feat despite the fact that Ronald Acuna hit just .130/.286/.304, Austin Riley hit just .214/.267/.250, and Jesse Winker hit just .200/.333/.400. If you had told me prior to this series that those three players would perform so horrendously, I would have gladly assumed that we swept the series.

Instead, the Akron offense was carried by the likes of:

• Victor Reyes: 5-for-10 (.500/.583/1.000), with a triple, a homer, 4 runs scored, and a team-leading 5 RBI's.
• Manny ".189" Pina: 3-for-6 (.500/.667/.667) with a game-winning walk-off single.
• Francisco Mejia: 6-for-19 (.316/.409/.526) with two doubles and a triple.

Folks, I hate to say it, but those three guys all suck monkey balls. Seriously. All three posted an OPS below .740 in MLB. Pina (.854) and Reyes (.861) were great against lefties, but here's the thing: all of their success in this series came off of right-handed pitching!

A Perfect Storm of Coincidences

In order for the Akron Ryche to have won this series, they needed:

1. The best offense in the BDBL to completely collapse.

2. The best bullpen in the BDBL to completely collapse.

3. The timeliest of timely hitting.

4. Insane performances from some of the weakest hitters in baseball.

They got all four. They're now heading to the World Series.

For the Cowtippers, just add this to the miles-long list of disappointments in our franchise's history. As always, we will put it in the rearview and forge ahead toward the next great disappointment.

Playoffs Diary #4: Best-of-Three

This could very well be my final playoffs diary entry for this year. We lost two winnable games last night, setting us up for a best-of-three the rest of the way, with two of those three scheduled to take place in Akron. We have usage issues. We have bullpen issues. In other words, it will be an uphill battle over the next two or three games.

Our bullpen, which has been our greatest asset this season, has completely failed us in this series. We blew a six-run lead in the sixth inning of Game Two, and then ruined a comeback win in Game Four. Our offense has been almost entirely missing in action. Trea Turner, the OLDS MVP who saved our season for us, has gone a miserable 2-for-15 with 9 strikeouts and no walks.

The hero of this series has been Ramon Laureano, of all people. He has stepped to the plate five times, and has hit three solo homers. Rafael Devers (3-for-13, but with a big three-run homer in Game Two) has been mostly a non-factor. Lorenzo Cain (3-for-14) has been mostly absent. Our leadoff hitter, Brandon Crawford, has gone just 2-for-13 with two walks. Laureano has scored three times as many runs as Crawford in less than one-third as many at-bats.

Where do we go from here?

I have a big decision to make in Game Five. Do I go with Lance Lynn (87 pitches in his last outing) on short rest? Do I roll the dice with Luis H. Garcia? I honestly don't know what to do. If I go with Lynn, he would likely be effective for only five or six innings. The problem is that Bednar threw 19 pitches in Game Four, and Kelly threw 15. They're both available, but probably not for more than 10-12 pitches each. If I go with Garcia, I'm really putting a lot of faith in his MLB numbers as opposed to his BDBL performance.

The thought of allowing Garcia to pitch to Jesse Winker terrifies me. However, if we go with him in Game Five, then we could start Lynn on full rest in Game Six. If we go with Lynn, then we'd have to use yet another starter -- Jon Gray -- on short rest in Game Six. He only threw 72 pitches in his Game Three start, but do we really want to risk that?

As much as I hate to do it, I think the smart move here is to go with Garcia, and keep him on a short leash. In the worst-case scenario, we could use Lynn in long relief, and then start Gray on short rest in Game Six. That is our nightmare scenario.

Another unfortunate issue we will need to deal with is our remaining usage. Here's what remains:

Austin Nola: 2 games
Zack Collins: 1 game
Brandon Belt: maybe -- maybe -- 3 games
Lorenzo Cain: maybe 2 games

We could move Belt down in the lineup to save some AB's, but he's one of the only players hitting for us right now. He has 14 PA's remaining. At 5 PA's per game, we're right up against that cap in Game Seven. Let's worry about that then.

We'll need to start Nola against a righty, which isn't the end of the world. We can replace Cain with Benintendi in Game Five or Six, and save Cain for Ohtani's start in Game Seven (if it happens.)

This isn't good, folks. We are in a position where we have to trust Luis H. Garcia to keep us in the game tonight, and hopefully pitch at least six innings, so we can give our bullpen a much-needed rest. Yikes.

Playoffs Diary #3: On To Akron

Our four-game sweep of the Bear Country Jamboree was pleasantly unexpected. Pleasant surprises have not happened often in Salem Cowtippers history. I will say this about that series: we would have lost if it hadn't been for one man: Trea Turner. Of all people, the guy who was such a disappointment all season saved our asses. Every home run he hit came in a clutch situation. Most of them put us in the lead.

We can't count on Trea Turner saving our asses in every game, so we need to do whatever we can to gain an advantage against the toughest team in the BDBL in this next series. The Akron Ryche owned us this season. They went 8-3 on the year, including a four-game sweep in our final series of the regular season.

First things first, we need to figure out who we're throwing against them. The decision to use Ohtani on short rest in the OLDS worked out well, so we should stick with that formula. Lance Lynn is our de facto number two (as there is literally no one else who could possibly fit that role.) Jon Gray is the only other reliable starter we have, so he will get a turn.

Ronald Acuna (1.224 OPS) and Darren Ruf (1.196) both CRUSH left-handers. Against righties, we have to deal with my least-favorite player in the BDBL, Jesse Winker (.987) and Josh Bell (.937). It seems wise to start only right-handers against this team, which means we would need to start Luis H. Garcia. He fared well against Akron in three games this year, so that seems like a good bet.

Our rotation, then, looks like this:

Game 1: Ohtani
Game 2: Lynn
Game 3: Gray
Game 4: Ohtani
Game 5: Garcia
Game 6: Lynn
Game 7: Ohtani

I feel comfortable with that.

Here is the lineup Akron used against Max Scherzer in the OLDS. I have to assume this is what we'll see against our righties:

1. Acuna: .258/.376/.540
2. *Winker: .320/.406/.581
3. Riley: .296/.365/.543
4. #Bell: .294/.364/.573
5. Swanson: .225/.302/.401
6. Bader: .297/.349/.488
7. #Mejia: .260/.333/.462
8. Sosa: .350/.399/.529

Note: D.J. Shepard switched Manny Pina (.561) for Mejia against Walker Buehler for some reason.

Other than Swanson, there isn't an easy out in that lineup. There is no clear way to pitch around any of them, with the exception of Mejia (which would only lead to Sosa stepping in with a man of base.) This is a nightmare of a lineup.

I would like to get Winker out of the lineup as quickly as possible. I cannot stand the guy. He's a giant pain in the ass. If we yank our starter in the fifth inning and bring in a lefty, it's possible Shepard could pinch hit for Winker, and we wouldn't have to deal with him in the late innings. Of course, if we do bring in a lefty, the most likely pinch hitter would be Darin Ruf (.328/.495/.701 vs. LH), so pick your poison.

Ideally, the preferred move would be to bring in a decoy lefty, intentionally walk Ruf, and then bring in a righty to face the heart of the lineup with a man on first. But that is a very risky, low-upside, type of move that we could only use if we have a comfortable lead -- and what are the odds of that?

Akron's two best relievers (Josh Hader and Tim Mayza) are both lefties. Fortunately, given that Akron will be starting nothing but righties against us, we'll have a bounty of lefty-mashers on our bench: Lane Thomas, Andy Ibanez, Ramon Laureano, Chad Pinder, Yadiel Hernandez. None of Akron's other relievers are particularly scary.

Defensively, Mejia is extremely easy to run on. Opposing base stealers enjoyed a success rate of 84% against him this year. None of Akron's outfielders have strong arms, so we can probably let our guys take the extra base, too. Anything to gain an advantage in this series.

I have to say, I don't feel good about this one. There isn't much, from a managerial standpoint, that I can do except hit "1-1" and hope for the best.